fuck the pain away, make it through the day.

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:18:39 -0500

I want to go to the club tomorrow night, make out with club girl, possibly fuck her in the bathroom. Whatever she’s down for, I don’t even care.

I want my ex to stop wanting me. I’m no good for her.

I want to get drunk with the cast member, go back to her place and fuck her stupid. I want to make her scream. And make her moan like a whore.

I would probably even fuck mcdonald’s girl. Maybe. If I was drunk enough. Definitely no way that she would dominate me though. Fuck that. I’ll make her moan like a whore too.

things are frustrating and stressful. sex seems like it will make it better.

yep. i’m pretty fucked up.

i know where this is going.

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:50:16 -0500

Alright. So today I’ve just kind of accepted it more. And I’m okay with it. Yeah, it stings, but we’re both on the same page when we think we’re both on a different page.

You want to fuck this girl you work with because she is able to give you more attention then I can. Plus, she can give you everything I can’t. So it’s kind of whatever. You’re getting drunk every night and when you’re drunk you post shit on tumblr about wanting to sleep with girls. Yet, I never hear anymore that you want to sleep with me. It’s kind of whatever though, we never had good sex chemistry anyways. You were always so goddamn awkward. You would never just relax. You said that all you wanted was someone that just wanted to fuck you and didn’t ask for anything in return. Yet, you would never let me fuck you. You don’t make sense.

I can’t be mad about the girl you work with. Chick from the club sent me pictures today. They were really hot. And basically we planned that for whenever I’m single that we’re gonna fuck.

It makes me sad that this is happening, cause there were a lot of times that I felt myself falling in love with you and stopped myself cause you were afraid. So it makes me sad cause I care about you a lot, but we’re just not on the same page. We never were. But why the hell are we hanging on? We both want to just be stressfree and young and live our lives. And we want to do that together, yet, not really. Eh. I’m kind of done trying. I said I would be your superhero. But you know what, there isn’t a superhero in the world that could save you. You’re a lot like your best friend. You both have issues and you’re too goddamn scared to face them and do something about it. You will always have anxiety. I hope you don’t, but at this rate you will.

I’m finally getting better, but who I am isn’t exactly good enough for you right now. You want someone that will stick their head up their ass and put on a circus act for you, and I can’t do that.

Eh, things were easier when we were just friends.
I’m not calling it quits, cause I promised you I would try. But I’m not stupid, I see that you obviously want her way more than you want me. Why am I sticking to my word? Idk. Maybe we should just set ourselves free. We’re not on the same page. I mean, we are, but our emotions are keeping us from actually being on the same page. This doesn’t make sense.

Idk. I just want my car back. I would rather be driving up to Cal to see you, but we both know that things won’t magically get better if when I get it back. You’re still gonna be texting girl from work, and I’m still gonna be texting girl from club.

Let’s just stop being difficult and get on the same page. Whether that means we’re on the same page together or the same page without eachother. Idk. I’m just getting tired of this. And I’m tired of you rubbing it in my face on tumblr when you’re drunk that you want to fuck her.

Bleh.

I don’t want to think anymore.

Sleeping pill.

here we go again.

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:18:44 -0500

I don’t know where to start. But I need to start somewhere. I hope no one finds me. I feel like I am so obvious all the time. But I need somewhere to hide. I need somewhere to go so I can cry, and not hurt the ones that care, and not give the ones that care too much the satisfaction of my pain. I try to so hard to be strong. I’ve come very far. And I don’t want to backtrack anymore.

I’ve been dying to drink all night, but not a drop of alchohol in the house. I’ve thought about smoking pot again. Scraping the resin out the pipe we had bought together. Ugh. I don’t even want to think about you right now. I don’t want to think at all. Thank god I have sleeping pills. I’d be so fucked if I didn’t. I need to get more tomorrow. And I need to get more cigarettes too. I have barely any money, so I really need to make sure I spend it wisely.

I’m losing my shit again. I’ve been off my meds for two weeks because I don’t have insurance. My therapist and psychiatrist are 30 miles away and I don’t have a car. I need to get my fucking car back already. My girlfriend is losing interest in me. That is the main reason I created this second blog. I need to let this out. I’m out of cigarettes. If I had more, I would have smoked that entire pack already.

Fuck. I feel a huge breakdown coming on. I need to be strong for her. I don’t want to lose her. She’s been my rock for three months. She was there when I was checked into a mental hospital. Fuck. She’s been strong for me the entire time, and she’s been hurting so much while trying to keep me strong. Now she can’t do it anymore. I was okay, and now I’m falling again. She’s losing interest in me. I can’t go see her. Our relationship is one sided. And now, she’s interested in some stupid fucking girl she works with. I know her name, and that’s it. I don’t want to know what she looks like. Cause then I’ll play images in my head of her fucking her instead of me. Ugh. I’m starting to feel sick. The only thing I can to do keep myself from hurting if she leaves me is to fuck the pain away. I’m pathetic. I have a “fuck list”. Two cast members, the girl I met at the club, my summer fling, a chick I used to work with, a girl I met at a party. This is pretty fucked up. I’ve created this alter-ego of Shane. I wanted to be Shane. I’m an attention whore. I wanted to fuck a bunch of girls and not have feelings for anything of them, but just feel how much they want me and want to please me. I sound fucking nuts. But if she leaves me, that’s what I’m going to do. Fuck the pain away. Just like my pathetic ex did. First on my list is the girl I met at the club. She’s really digging me. The only thing I feel though when I think about that is how much I’ll miss my girlfriend, and being scared that I’ll cry in front of that girl. This shit makes me want to call up my summer fling. All she wanted to do was make me happy. But she tried too hard. Just like my girlfriend did. But I knew from the very beginning that we weren’t good for eachother. So I ended it.

And then I think back to this past weekend when a cast member and I snuck away from my friends at the club and made out for probably like 20 minutes. In front of everyone. My excuse was that I was drunk and my girlfriend wouldn’t mind. Karma. The same time I was making out her, my girlfriend was at work giving the girl she’s interested in a shoulder massage. I’m doing the same thing I did to my ex. Fucked around with other people and expected my girlfriend to be okay with it. What the hell.

I wish I could just fucking cry already. It’s been building it, and I want to let it out in small doses before I explode. I’m not enough for my girlfriend. And I’m pretty good at acting like I’m okay with just being friends, but the same shit always comes back around and I’m afraid to be alone. I depend on so many people. I know I can be okay with being alone, but am I actually alone if all I’m doing is fucking other girls? I miss my roommate so much. He helped me through a couple of the hardest times of my life so far. I would say the hardest times of my life were my father abusing me, my sister dying, falling in love with my best friend, the year I spent killing myself to please my ex and checking myself into a mental hospital. My roommate was there for the last two things. And my best friend was there for all of them. Even when she shouldn’t have been. I fell in love with her, and then made her life a living hell. I loved her so much. It’s been almost two years, and I still believe I will never love anyone as much as I loved her. That’s okay though. That just makes her really special. She is very special. She was the person I went to the at 1:00am on a school night when my sister died. She was there. I remember she was wearing her Dr. Pepper boxers and it made me uncomfortable because she looked really good. That’s pretty fucked up. My sister died, and for a split second I’m turned on by what my best friend is wearing. The hell. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days. I miss her. I kinda miss how I felt about her. I was very ignorant and young. And even though I wanted to kill myself, I felt safer than I do now. I was in my own little world. What the hell am I talking about right now. Fucking ADHD.

Ugh. I don’t want this pain. I’m tired of having pain with girls. My girlfriend doesn’t want to fall in love with me because she’s afraid of getting hurt… hmmm… sounds like my ex. Last night we were on the phone and I told her she sounded like my ex. I felt like she was running away and wanted to come back when I was better. Yeah, so you can go fuck a bunch of girls and be 21 while I’m still working on getting my shit together. Fuck that. If you’re leaving, then I’m going to fuck every pretty girl that will opens her legs for me. I can guarantee that I could have atleast three bitches in my bed tomorrow night.

I wish you had some fucking faith in me. But you don’t, just like your best friend. You are good for me cause you will keep me grounded. I’m an asshole. I’m an attention whore. And having you would keep me from acting reckless. I’m afraid I’ll go back to who I was last summer. A cocky prick smoking weed every night and drinking. I don’t have a problem with drinking. It’s the weed that I want to stay away. But damn I miss last summer. A lot of pain, but for two weeks I was happy. I felt free. I do want to feel free. But I’m afraid of who I become when I’m free. I lose it. And I don’t have my roommate to keep me under control. I need to grow up. I need to get myself under control. We both know that right now we would be better off as friends cause we’re too stressful for eachother. But you were a ittle drunk tonight, and you missed me. And I miss you so much. I don’t like missing people. I’ve missed too many people. I miss my sister, I miss my first love. And they’re gone. I don’t deal well with missing someone. I lose my shit real easily. You’re right there, and I can’t feel close to you. I learned a lot from my ex. I learned that I’m worth so much more than how I’m usually treated. I care about her a lot though. That’s my fucking downfall. I always care more about the person than they care about me, while they’re caring about someone else. Ugh. I can’t fucking believe that she’s torn between me and this random bitch at work. For real? Like. What the fuck. Makes me feel like shit. Bitch from the club would love to give me what you were always afraid to. Summer fling would love to give me what you were afraid to. Fucking cast make out session would love to give me what you are afraid to.

I want a couple beers, a pack of cigarettes, my roommate, and a bitch pulling on my hair and treating me like the whore I am. I want to be punished. I want pain. I want to be dominated. I want to be tied up. I want to be blindfolded. I want to be called a bitch. I want to be smacked.

I’m a fucking mess. Here we go. I guess I should prepare myself for the idiotic animal that I’m going to become, because I’m not and will never be enough for my girlfriend. No one will be enough for her. Just like her best friend. Damn.

Sleeping pills.

Breakdown & Cry.

fuck the pain away, make it through the day.

i know where this is going.

here we go again.